But it meant even more time away from my husband. A few nights before I left, Bigbad and I cleared up some misunderstandings. Lots of "Oh, I thought you wanted it this way" and "What you said made me think that you felt this way and not that way." And lots of my whining that I was scared that I would be the breadwinner forever and that I just wanted more recognition because it's hard. And marriage is hard at times.
When I came back from the conference, Bigbad was gone to his seminar in D.C. But he had taken our conversation to heart. He had left Post-It notes all over the house to let me know that he was thinking about me. They were very effective eliciting smiles.
But I also received bad news when I returned from my conference. I found out my best friend is getting a divorce. I know that if I didn't feel so centered with my work sphere because of this conference and if I didn't feel so on track with my marriage sphere because of our discussion and Bigbad's actions, this news would have been more devastating to me.
Because the truth is, I like her ex, and I like them together.
Because I like their story.
Because I don't want her to hurt. And I don't want him to hurt either.
Because I don't want to play a "What if" or "How could that happen" game in my mind and jeopardize what's going on in my personal life.
Because I don't want to seem unsympathetic while trying to safeguard my own happiness. But my own fears do not have to play out in a prescribed course similar to anyone else's.
I do feel like I've been sucker punched. I desired that happy ending for this couple because they are so deserving. And it's taking me a few steady breaths to understand that their happy ending will not be with each other. But it can still be happy.
She sounds good (as can be). She sounds confident (though a bit lost for words). She sounds healthy and happy (though not without feelings of embarrassment and guilt). I'm praying she takes care of herself as she works on her new life mission. You have to take care of yourself to take care of others.
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6 comments so far. What are your thoughts?
It can be devastating to hear about a friend's divorce. Most of the time, I hadn't even known they were having trouble. And you're right, hearing about the divorce can bleed over into your personal relationship as well. Divorce is a difficult thing. I wish your friend the best.
Being centered is such a nice thing. Im sorry to hear about your friend, its so hard when couples you like as a couple come to an end.
When couples who appeared rock steady fall apart--you are exactly right--it feels like a punch in the gut. It hurts in a personal way, and it makes you question your own steadiness.
But here's the thing. What is actually happening behind their walls, their true story, is unknown. Their reasons and decisions are their own. Faced with the same reasons, our decisions would be our own.
It never gets any easier to hear. I am sorry.
I know how it feels. My best friend left her husband last year. I lost a friend. She won't receive my calls, and she ignores my emails. It's been so hard.
I love my husband so much, and I know that we are in the demographic with the highest rate of divorce because we have a special needs child. That's scary.
Life is scary. This is such a well-written post. And I think that Big Bad is a rock star because of how he treats you.
xo,
RJ
Thank you guys for words of comfort and consolation and reality. Each one meant so much to moving forward.
I don't know what to say, except that I want to offer support. I'm not a member of the married club yet, but I can imagine how such news would break your equilibrium. I know that friends' breakups have done the same to me.
I hope she's okay, and that your friendship remains healthy, too. The one really good thing I can say is that I'm pretty much positive that you and Bigbad are going to be just fine! :)
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